Hollow

I feel strange when I'm nervous.  The really funny thing is that the strange feeling doesn't start in my stomach, it starts in my hands.  They feel sort of weak and strangely hollow.  This feeling moves up my arms, clutches at my chest and then wraps itself around my stomach until I feel entirely engulfed in fear.

This is how I feel before speech rounds.

I know, I know.  I've done this for four years, shouldn't I be used to it by now?  Yes, I should be, but I'm just not.

I recently figured it out, though, and now I almost enjoy this feeling (almost).  See, I feel hollow and weak, and I am.

I am hollow and weak.

But maybe I'm hollow so that He can fill me up.  Maybe I'm weak so that He can be my strength.

"He satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul He fills with good things."

~Psalm 107:9

"The salvation of the righteous is from the LORD; He is their stronghold in the time of trouble."

~Psalm 37:39

Over and out,

~Emily

Reality Check

I used to think that I would be all grown up by the time I was seventeen.

I thought that I would have gotten my act entirely together, have everything figured out, be a great role model, have figured out exactly what God wants me to do with my life or at least have my drivers licence.

Reality check.

I will never have my act entirely together.  I will never have everything figured out.  I will never be a good enough role model.  God can keep His plan for me secret as long as He wants and I'll never have my drivers licence.  (Okay, that last one is a lie... believe it or not, I've been working on driving recently and I sort of almost enjoy it now!)

I guess I used to look up to people my age as being these all-knowing fountains of wisdom and purpose...but now I'm there.  I'm now a Senior in high school.  I'm one of the people I used to think had everything under control, and guess what?  I don't have anything under control, and I never will.

The more I realize that I am not in charge of anything, the more I love it.  

God just reminded me of this at the Olympic Qualifier about a week and a half ago.  My first round of Apologetics was pathetic.  I don't even know what I was saying.  I could see the confusion in the judges eyes and I myself was utterly befuddled...it was DREADFUL.  I came out of that room literally thinking, "what was I even saying?!"  I probably blasphemed at some point during that round...it was that bad.

But then in the end I got sixth in Apologetics.  Certainly not from that round, I'm absolutely certain that I got eighth from each and every judge in that first round.  But God chose to use that horrendous failure of a round to remind me that I really don't have anything under control.  He is in charge.

God has been teaching me so much through Apologetics.  Some rounds, I'll be a tad bit confident, and my presentation will turn out like that one (although that is the worst to date), but other times, when I step down and allow God to be in control, He speaks through me and helps me to actually make sense and touch people's hearts.

I may be seventeen, but I don't have my act together.  It's been an interesting reality for me to recognize, but I will never have my act together.  But now that I know this, it's almost like a weight being taken off of my shoulders.  God is in control.

God is in control.

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand."

~Proverbs 19:21

Over and out,

~Emily

Not About Feeling (Re-post)

In honor of Valentine's day I am re-posting a post that I wrote about love awhile ago.  Here you are:


I’m going through quite an interesting chapter in life right now. I feel strangely…numb.

I just had the most amazing school year and speech season ever followed by my best summer yet. At each speech tournament I could feel God’s presence right there every second and it was almost like a weight. It felt so good to be nearly crushed by God’s presence, by His glory! I could never adequately explain it to you. I felt the same indescribable feeling of God’s presence at debate camp. I have grown closer to God in the past 7 ½ months that in the previous 16 years altogether.

Now I am going through quite a different thing. I’m not feeling God right there with me every second. I’m not hearing His voice speaking to me as I read His word. This really got me thinking, though. Love isn’t about feeling “in love,” it’s an action. You love someone by putting them before yourself, by working to please them, by paying attention to them and spending time with them whether you want to or not.

Love is not about feeling head-over-heels, madly, passionately crazy about someone. That’s what Hollywood thinks, but feelings don’t last and that’s a huge part of why marriage is nearly obsolete right now. Feeling is what love has become about.

I recently watched the movie, “The Last Song,” and quite enjoyed it. Boys, it’s quite a chick flick, so you wouldn’t like it, but I thought it was sweet. Anyway, at one point the “guy” says to the “girl,” “No one makes me feel like you do.” and us girls’ hearts melt into puddles of sentimental goo. But really? How selfish is that? He “loves” her because of how she makes him feel?

And then it struck me. That’s how I’ve been treating my relationship with God. He made me feel amazing for 7 glorious months and now I don’t’ feel amazing anymore. I was loving God because of how He made me feel. I am SO selfish!! That is not what biblical love or biblical faith is based on.

1 Corinthians 13 describes true love beautifully, as only God can describe it.

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

I just read Hebrews 11:1-3 which says, “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation. By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible.”
The chapter goes on to say, in verse 6, “And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.”

Have you ever seen two people who are in love? I mean truly, unselfishly in love? If you’ve ever seen that you know that they are constantly trying to please each other and make the other person loved and important. “ And without faith it is impossible to please him.” 1 Corinthians 13 tells us not only how we ought to love other people but also how God loves us, and how we should be loving God. Now Hebrews 11 tells us how to please our Hero, by having faith.

Love is not about feeling, it’s an action. Even during this dry, desert-like season of my life I can be loving God, I can be pleasing Him, I can have faith in Him.

Over and out,~Emily     

                               

Presence

I find, particularly in speech and debate, that when I am confident I fail miserably, and when I am nervous out of my finite mind I do quite well.  God is quite skilled at making us realize that He is in charge, His power is what gives us success and we are absolutely NOTHING.

I finished my Illustrated boards (for a speech with visual aids) the night before I left for this tournament at 4:45am.  I memorized the first point in the car.  The second point came together the day before the tournament started, and I attempted to memorize the third Thursday morning...which didn't work.  I read from my script and it was 13 minutes and 52 seconds long (the "max" is 10 minutes).  Last night, in the shower, I managed to finally pound it into my brain.

This morning, for round two, I stumbled my way through it without my script.  It wasn't too dreadful, but it certainly wasn't what it ought to have been.

Then God decided to show off.  I so love it when He does that.  I can't even describe the third round.  I felt like God was standing there, whispering my lines to me.  The boards cooperated, the judges were responsive and I was, once again, stunned by what God can do when we have nothing to give.

That speech was not memorized.  I kid you not.  It was barely, very roughly, sort-of-kind-of, maybe could be considered memorized.  Like, I should never have competed with that.  That certainly didn't stop God, though.

Honestly, I'm not just saying this, I could car less if I do well.  I won when those judged were writing down the websites that I ask them to check out.  I won when they were shocked, nodding along, and laughing at the funny part.  I won when I came out of the room and knew that it was God; I did nothing!

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, 

for 

my power is made perfect in weakness.” 

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly 

of my weaknesses, so that the power of 

Christ may rest upon me."

~2 Corinthians 12:9

Over and Out,

~Emily

Oregon Trail Qualifier...

The thing about speech tournaments is that you never know how they're going to turn out.  You might have a speech perfectly memorized and mess up and not break to out rounds, and you might be memorizing a speech as you walk in the door and place 1st.  You might have an apologetics box full of cards and not place as highly as somebody who has only seven cards.  This is just part of what a tournament is.  All of the students who have done more than one tournment have come to grips with this.  It may not always seem fair, but that's a tournament.

The thing about speech in general is that you never know how you, as a speaker, are going to do.  You might pull a card in apologetics that happens to be your favorite and totally fail, or you might pull one that you have been avoiding for ages and totally own the room.  You might have years of experience or this might be your first speech, and either way, you have no clue how things are going to turn out.

My third round of Persuasive was great.  I had lots of friends in the room, the judges were responsive, I wasn't making mistakes...and then I started to cry.  In this speech I talk a little bit about my cousin, Caroline, who died two years ago when she was hit by a car.  I did just fine the first two rounds, and I was doing just fine my third, and then I recited the poem that she wrote, and, when I finished the poem, I started crying.  I actually had to pause for a little while and I sort of choked out my conclusion.

It's so strange, I started writing this speech in October.  I knew that I'd be using Caroline's poem from the beginning.  I've read it dozens of times, practiced my speech over and over and over and over, read it to people, read it to myself, and have written it out about a million times, and it still hit me like that.  I finished the poem and all I was thinking was, "This is Caroline's, she should be here."

In the end, more often than not, we speakers learn far more than anyone else does.  As I gave my speech the message hit me over and over.

Yes, being a Semi Finalist in Apologetics is a blessing, but I learned so much through that experience that qualifying for Regionals is just a cherry on top.  Yes, second in Persuasive is wonderful, but the crowning glory, my true, "success," at this tournament is to be found in judge comments, not in that medal.

"I'm sorry about your Cousin, Caroline.  You honored her very well." ~Round 1

"Very good.  Would not change a thing.  Please don't change a thing!" ~Round 3

"This speech was refreshing and challenging.  Your cousin's example really made your point 

come alive.  Thank you so much!"  ~Round 3

"Compelling." ~Finals

"Well crafted and inspiring... You brought the passion and empathy of personal connection...May you continue to use God's given gifts, abilities, talents,passions for His glory." ~Finals

They got it!  They got the message!  God is good.  Man, He is so good.

Over and out,

~Emily

One last First

You know what I just realized?

This is my last first tournament of the season.


Ever.


Wow.

By the time you read this, I will have finished my last first round of the season.

My mom will have probably just told me to eat.  I will have said that I'm not hungry, I never am at tournaments.  She'll insist, and I'll eat a handful of trail-mix, or some chili mangoes and peanut butter, or a granola bar.  Somebody will say that I need to eat more, and I'll laugh.

What a strange thought.

 "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven"
~ Ecclesiastes 1:3

Over and out,

~Emily

True Prince

You guys must know by now that I have been stressing...like crazy...about an upcoming speech tournament.  This past week I was freaking out like I have literally never done before in my life.  I was nearly sick a few times, could barely eat anything all week and was, in all honesty, wondering how God could ever help me to pull things together in time.

I had a Duo to memorize, block and figure out voices for.  I had a twelve and a half minute Persuasive that needed to be cut down to ten minutes and memorized and I had a ton of Apologetics cards that I needed to get done.

All by January third.

Now, I know that this can be done, and is often done by "speechers."  I've done close to this before, myself.  I don't know what it was, but something was keeping me from trusting God.  I was at the point of almost asking my mom if my sister and I could drop the Duo; I had actually asked my sister about it.

And then, as always, God came through.

He did a miracle, actually.  It still blows my mind.  Really, it's totally unbelievable.

I was sitting on FaceBook a few days ago and a friend of mine asked how ready I was for the tournament.

I'm an honest person. hehehe =)

So, he offered to help me cut my Persuasive.  He asked for a deadline and I told him the next night, which he said was totally fine.

He had my impossible speech cut by eight o'clock the next evening.

It is now almost exactly ten minutes.  Our Duo is now blocked, voices chosen and both speeches are being memorized.

This may not sound like the perfect miracle to you, but I can't even tell you what this did to my trust in God.

I've probably posted on this blog about trust more than anything else.  I guess it's probably because I struggle with trust more than anything else that I can think of right now.  I like to have things under control.  I like to be able to take care of things, and have them work out perfectly.  I never thought I was much of a control freak, but now that I really think about it, I totally am.

When my life starts to fall apart and my plans crumble, my first instinct is to loose it.  I end up paralyzed by my fear of failure, and as the result, I end up getting nothing done, instead of trying harder.

Right at the last minute, though, my True Prince rides in on His glorious white steed, sweeps me off my feet, tells me that all is well and fixes everything that I thought was un-fixable.  Every time.

This is the God I serve.

Over and Out,

~Emily

P.S.  Sorry about the lack of posts lately, life sure can get crazy sometimes.  I'll try to post again soon.  =)