Saturday, January 19, 2013

Struggles and the Knowledge of Glory

Okay, I'm going to be honest here.  I have been struggling quite a bit lately with insecurity and comparing myself with others.  I feel weak, purposeless, frivolous, depressed.

And then I feel so happy and encouraged and joyful.

And then I feel weak...

I've never had mood swings like this before.  Yes, I'm female, I do get emotional from time to time, but never like this.  Never do I cry multiple times a day for some reason I can't figure out.  Never have I had such a hard time taking a compliment. Never have I been unable to organize my thoughts like this.  Never have I beat myself up over each individual, tiny, minute failing.

I have had this tight, suffocating feeling before, though.  I have felt a panic rise in my chest and cling to every inch of my body before.  Distrust.  Doubt.  Insecurity.  Anxiety.

This is not from the Lord.

Why is it all hitting me again now?  And why so often?  I used to feel this way once or twice a month, sometimes even less.  Now it's a fight not to feel this way on and off every day.

I am fighting, though, and many people around me are fighting as well, in prayer.

I've discovered that right now, thinking of myself just isn't the best idea.  There are times in my life when I really have needed to just sit down and look at all of the things that I'm needing to improve in myself.  Right now really isn't one of those times.  I'm working on things, but I can't sit and ponder where I am right now too much.  It only invites those discouraging thoughts.

So I think on the Lord, instead.

A few nights ago I read from 2 Corinthians 4, and verse six really struck me.


"For God, Who said, 
"Let light shine out of darkness," 
has shone in our hearts to give the light of 
the knowledge of the glory of God 
in the face of Jesus Christ."

I don't know exactly how to connect this verse to how I've been struggling lately, but the Lord somehow used it to comfort me and bring such joy that night.

I guess if I had to boil down what God taught me through that verse I would bring up a few, "What ifs."

What if I really don't have any talents?  What if I am entirely un-gifted?  What if I am ugly?  What if I really don't have anything to contribute to anything?  What if all of my doubts, all of my insecure feelings, all of my self-worth worries... what if they are all true?

So what.

Even if they are all true, the God of the universe still shone the knowledge of His glory into my heart.

And that gives me worth.  That gives me purpose.  That gives me security.  That gives me beauty.  That gives me something to contribute.  That gives be something to trust in with no doubts.

When I sit and ponder all of my failings, I become useless to the Lord, because He uses followers who are focused on Him, not on themselves.

So I will think on Him instead, for He has blessed me with sweet, glorious knowledge.




Over and out,

~Emily

P.S.  Please spread the love!  Pin posts you enjoyed or were touched by.  The more you pin, the more people will read.  Blessings! ~Em

18 comments:

  1. Such a powerful truth that our worth and identity doesn't depend on ourselves but on Him alone. Thanks for sharing, Emily; this was really encouraging to me.

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    1. I'm so glad this was an encouragement!

      Blessings!

      ~Emily

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  2. Hey Emily,
    Know that I am praying for you darling.
    Thanks for being so open with your struggles. I believe we all can relate. A verse that might be of help to you is Isaiah 26:3.

    Love,
    Rachel

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    1. Oh, thank you so much for your prayers, Rachel. And that verse is definitely getting a spot on the wall above my desk. Wow... Thank you so much.

      Love you, girl!

      ~Emily

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  3. Love this! :) Thank-you for the reminder, Emily. I

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  4. A very sweet, transparent post. Thank you for sharing, Emily. I know you have SO MUCH to offer and those thoughts f inadequacy are attacks from the enemy. Christ has embodied you and given you so many Christlike qualities, and your good character is your greatest property. Be encouraged! Love you,
    Arden Sleadd

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    1. Thank you so much for the encouragement, Mrs. Sleadd. It's a huge blessing knowing so many people are here to support me, and push me closer to the Lord.

      Love you!

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  5. Your sentence, "Even if they are all true, the God of the universe still shone the knowledge of His glory into my heart" is most true and most difficult to truly grasp and believe. We know that is true ... then why do I shake my head in despair as I realize what it is that I am now doing? Never will we be able to plumb the depths of His loving grace to us, His children. Also, the closer we ascend to our goal the greater the fear of failure for, after all, who are we to know such success or joy or love or .... Ah, we are His cherished children, for whom He has done all for us to live. Enjoy Him and continue to delight yourself in Him and His gifts to you. You ARE a blessing.

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    1. Thank you so much for your encouragement, Mr. Heck, and your exhortation. You, too, are a tremendous blessing.

      ~Emily

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  6. So glad you found me. What beautiful words you write from your heart! It's sure wonderful to find fellow bloggers that share the love of Christ. Blessings!

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    1. Thank you, Cassie! It's such a blessing finding new blogs, and it was a joy to find yours.

      Blessings!

      ~Emily

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  7. Thanks for sharing Emily! You will definitely be in my prayers! I was facing something a lot like this the past few weeks. I felt very alone, very inadequate, not able to pray or read enough, nobody around to talk to, but it was a learning experience for me. That of course doesn't mean I won't face it again, but God was using it for good, and using it to teach me. He taught me to continue to trust in him. No matter who I wanted to talk to, no matter how inadequate I may feel for other people, he wanted me to trust in Him. He was also teaching me to come to Him more often, He wanted me to put all other things aside, and whether that meant for me to read the Bible, or to pray, he wanted to spend time with me. He thirdly was preparing me for the future. While I am here, at home, amongst friends, family, and church, that may not always be there, so he was helping me to learn to turn to Him in time of need. I know battles are hard, and I don't know if any of that helped at all, but I felt it was good for me to share too :) while it may be tough now, know there are many brothers and sisters praying for you, and somehow through it alll, God will work it out for good. Hebrews 4:15-16, are two verses that really helped me! :)

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    1. Thank you so much for your comment, Daniel. Know that the Lord is always with you, and whether you feel alone or not, He has put people in your life who would be very different people without you. He is so good at bringing us out of the valleys and struggles.

      Thank you, also, for the encouraging passage! That one is such a gem!

      Blessings!

      ~Emily

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  8. Em, you are such an inspiration! I always feel so convicted by your combination of gentleness, and your ability to assert your beliefs and be a strong woman of Christ. You conduct yourself so gracefully and confidently, and I'm constantly inspired by your God-given ability to connect your struggles with his word.
    I'm praying for you! Miss you, girl.

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    1. Oh, Audrey, thank you so much. This comment really blessed me. The Lord is so good at working through our weaknesses. I am humbled knowing that He is working through my writing... SO wild!

      Love you, girl, and miss you, too! And thank you so much for your prayers!

      ~Em

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  9. Wow, Emily... this was so encouraging. What especially hit me is the fact that sitting thinking about how I can be better is actually not such a good thing (at least not all the time). That's something I have been doing - because I need sanctifying, right? - and it makes me feel worthless. So thank you SO much. Look at all these comments - you are a blessing to so many. God is shining His light through this humble blog of yours. What a miracle! :)
    I love you very much. <3
    -Ariel
    P.S. Sorry about the anonymous thing... on my mom's comp. :P

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    1. Thank you so much, AJ. Yes, God is so good. Love you, too!

      <3

      ~Em

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