Struggles and the Knowledge of Glory

Okay, I'm going to be honest here.  I have been struggling quite a bit lately with insecurity and comparing myself with others.  I feel weak, purposeless, frivolous, depressed.

And then I feel so happy and encouraged and joyful.

And then I feel weak...

I've never had mood swings like this before.  Yes, I'm female, I do get emotional from time to time, but never like this.  Never do I cry multiple times a day for some reason I can't figure out.  Never have I had such a hard time taking a compliment. Never have I been unable to organize my thoughts like this.  Never have I beat myself up over each individual, tiny, minute failing.

I have had this tight, suffocating feeling before, though.  I have felt a panic rise in my chest and cling to every inch of my body before.  Distrust.  Doubt.  Insecurity.  Anxiety.

This is not from the Lord.

Why is it all hitting me again now?  And why so often?  I used to feel this way once or twice a month, sometimes even less.  Now it's a fight not to feel this way on and off every day.

I am fighting, though, and many people around me are fighting as well, in prayer.

I've discovered that right now, thinking of myself just isn't the best idea.  There are times in my life when I really have needed to just sit down and look at all of the things that I'm needing to improve in myself.  Right now really isn't one of those times.  I'm working on things, but I can't sit and ponder where I am right now too much.  It only invites those discouraging thoughts.

So I think on the Lord, instead.

A few nights ago I read from 2 Corinthians 4, and verse six really struck me.

"For God, Who said, 

"Let light shine out of darkness," 

has shone in our hearts to give the light of 
the knowledge of the glory of God 
in the face of Jesus Christ."

I don't know exactly how to connect this verse to how I've been struggling lately, but the Lord somehow used it to comfort me and bring such joy that night.

I guess if I had to boil down what God taught me through that verse I would bring up a few, "What ifs."

What if I really don't have any talents?  What if I am entirely un-gifted?  What if I am ugly?  What if I really don't have anything to contribute to anything?  What if all of my doubts, all of my insecure feelings, all of my self-worth worries... what if they are all true?

So what.

Even if they are all true, the God of the universe still shone the knowledge of His glory into my heart.

And that gives me worth.  That gives me purpose.  That gives me security.  That gives me beauty.  That gives me something to contribute.  That gives be something to trust in with no doubts.

When I sit and ponder all of my failings, I become useless to the Lord, because He uses followers who are focused on Him, not on themselves.

So I will think on Him instead, for He has blessed me with sweet, glorious knowledge.

Over and out,

~Emily

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