I've been having a hard time lately. I'm trying to be as honest as I can on this blog, within reason of course, and though it's sometimes hard, it is incredibly therapeutic. Writing things out has a marvelous way of forcing me to sort through thoughts, figure out what exactly I'm feeling and look to God for the answers.
Lately I've been sort of beating up on myself, I guess. I'm not sure exactly what brought it on, but I'm just seeing myself fail in so many places and mess up in so many others, that it sort of started to weigh on me.
I talked to Sarah about all of this the other day (I ought to pay her, she's such a good psychiatrist!). She asked so many good questions and we ended up figuring things out quite nicely, but before we got off the phone she told me to go read Psalm 51.
I've always loved parts of this Psalm, but I've never identified with David in this way before.
"For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me."
Oh, how I have felt this! To always be staring your sins in the face and dwelling on how deeply you have messed up is such a crushing weight! I saw myself passing up opportunity after opportunity and failing with the gifts that God has given me, and it was tearing me apart. I was allowing satan to overwhelm me with how wretched a creature I am. Rather than turning this into motivation to do better, though, I felt crippled by the fear that I would, once again, fail.
I'm still not feeling 100% (I still have a looonnnggg way to go), but I'm doing much better and God is teaching me quite a bit. I had a lovely talk and cup of tea with my mom and that felt amazing.
I guess I'm starting to understand how very important balance is. See, it's so important to understand how sinful we are, because that shows us a better picture of God's extensive grace. But we need to understand, also, that God can, and does, work through all of our imperfections and sinful mistakes and He does great things through dreadful failures like me.
"But He said to me,
"My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses,
so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
(2 Corinthians 12:9)
"But we have this treasure in jars of clay,
to show that the surpassing power belongs to God, and not to us.
We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed;
perplexed, but not driven to despair;
persecuted, but not forsaken;
struck down, but not destroyed;
always carrying in the body the death of Jesus,
so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.
For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake,
so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.
So death is at work in us, but life in you."
(2 Corinthians 4:7-12)
P.S. We're off to another speech tournament tomorrow. It would be wonderful if you would keep everyone involved in your prayers. Blessings!