It's Been Awhile!

Well, I had no intentions of completely dropping this blog... But that's exactly what happened!

I won't try to fully update you on all that's happened in the past year and a half, but I will give you a brief update.

~We got married.  Yep, funny how that tends to follow engagement.  Our wedding was June 8th, 2013.  We road tripped down to southern California for our honeymoon and settled into a sweet rental house in downtown Grants Pass.  Being Aaron's wife is the best thing- ever.

~I miscarried.  Totally unexpected and hard.  September 2013 was a difficult month.

~I got pregnant, again!  Yep, we are eagerly awaiting the arrival of our little girl, Cedar Faith, due August 8th.

~We bought a house!  Just across town, a beautiful farmhouse built in 1895.  A total dream.  We're moving in in just about 2 weeks!

And, I started a new blog.  You can find me at emilysleadd.com

Over and out,

~Emily

"Will You Marry Me?"

Wow.  The past few days have been a blur.  I'm not even sure where to begin!

I'm engaged!!

Aaron proposed this past Friday evening, the twenty second, and (of course) I said yes!

Mmmmm... So, here's the story. It's a little blurry, but I'll do my best. 

I had been suspicious on Friday   Not sure why, except that I really hoped he'd propose, but our families had planned a dessert night at his parents house that evening, and I thought that would be a wonderful day to do it.  Anyway, a friend of mine (check out her lovely blog here) came over Friday morning and talked for a few hours.  I told her how I was feeling, and how I didn't want to be impatient or disappointed if he didn't propose.   I'd been talking with my mom about this, too.  So strange, since I hadn't been impatient at all until early this week.

On his lunch break we chatted and he mentioned that he was hoping to get off early, so maybe we could go for a hike.  So... being the girl that I am, I made sure I was wearing cute clothes and my makeup was just so.  So silly of me, but you know, I'd rather be safe than sorry... ;)

He showed up around 3:30, and all suspicions disappeared.  He was acting way too normal!  He wasn't in a hurry to leave, or acting nervous at all.  He was just being wonderful, normal Aaron.

So, I resigned myself to the idea of not being proposed to that day.  It was raining, so we brought umbrellas, and headed out.

We got to a park by a nearby river (I'd never been there before) and he told me a few stories of when he and his family played there when he was younger.  We started walking and talked just like normal.  We stopped and admired the beautiful scenery a few times, and then finally got close to the river.  

As suspicious as I'd been earlier, I'm telling you, the Lord blinded me at that point.  I can't believe how utterly oblivious I was!

We followed a little path through the shrubs that lined the river, and saw a little, sandy clearing... with a camp fire and candles in it.

Now, here's the embarrassing part: I totally thought this was a homeless person's camp out!  

"Aaron, someone's camping here, we need to leave!"

He insisted that he wanted to check it out.

"Aaron, they're gonna come back!!"

He kept insisting that it couldn't be a camp out and that he wanted to check it out.  I followed him, but I kept saying that they were going to come back and find us here.

We walked down to the river and he acted like he was going to walk along it, but he stopped and saw a bottle sitting, halfway in the water, with a note in it.

This is where I finally knew something was up.  He couldn't get the paper out, so I did, and it said,

"X marks the spot."

So, now we're looking for an X.  He knew exactly where it was, and then started digging.

Watching him digging up the box

He pulled out a wooden cigar box.  When he opened it I saw a collection of memorabilia from our courtship.  Letters, bottles from jam I'd made him, playbills and wedding programs from events we'd gone to together, the CD I recorded him for Christmas... and then a little box in the corner.

I started gasping barely audible words.

"What?  *gasp* What?"

He looked me in the eye and said,

"I don't want to spend my life with anyone but you, I love you Emily."

And then he knelt to the ground.

"Will you marry me?"

I couldn't speak.  Or I forgot.  Either way.  I just hugged his head.  A little while later I realized that I hadn't said yes.

"Yes!  Yes... yes!"

And then he stood up and we hugged and laughed.  And kept on hugging and laughing.

His sister came out of the bush she had been hiding in at that point (Taking these AMAZING photos!!!), and left.  

"Are you going to put that ring on my finger?"

"Yeah!"

I've had a purity ring since I was thirteen, given to me by my parents, and I've always worn it on my left ring finger.  He removed that, and moved it to my right hand, and placed the most spectacularly beautiful engagement ring on my finger.  (photos coming soon)

I couldn't have imagined a better, sweeter, more us proposal.  Ever.

God is so good!  I have been blessed with a man who loves the Lord tremendously.  A man who is gentle and kind and patient and hard working and just perfect for me.

I can hardly wait to cook his meals and wash his laundry and go on trips with him and have his babies!

Oh, Lord!  You have blessed me so much!  I could never deserve this!  Father, thank You!!

Over and out,

~Emily

P.S.  The credit for these amazing photos goes to Aaron's sister, Alexa, of Gabrielle Photography.  Be sure to check her out!

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

"I praise You, 

for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  

Wonderful are your works; 

my soul knows it very well."

(Psalm 139:14)

I don't know why, but I always thought of these two sentences as totally unrelated.  

"Wonderful are your works," could never, after all, be talking about me.  My soul knows that the Lord's works are wonderful, but my soul does not include myself in those works.

Why, though?

Why is it that I see the Lord working through so many around me, and yet, I cannot see it in myself?  

I can certainly see the sanctifying process going on.  I can certainly feel conviction.  I certainly know that I need work.  I certainly know that He's working on me and in me... But through me?

I suppose it's silly to think that everyone else is able to change the course of history, but Emily is unable to.

I suppose it's silly to think that there is beauty in every other person, but not in Emily.

I suppose it's silly to love and admire the people around me, and then completely ignore them when they pay me a compliment.

I didn't think I was a particularly vain person, until I understood what vanity really is.  See, I don't sit around admiring myself, I sit around criticizing myself.  But I'm still thinking of myself.

C.S. Lewis so wisely said,

"Humility is not thinking less of yourself, 

but thinking of yourself less."

There is such a dreadfully small line we must walk, between one side of vanity and the other.  On one side is pride and self-worship, on the other is feeling of failure and self-loathing.  Right in the middle is humility.

Oh!  To be able to humbly accept a compliment!  To not brush it off, but to truly thank people, without letting it get to my head!  To understand that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, beautiful in God's image, and to know that I have nothing to do with that.

I am often so fearful of the prideful side of vanity, that I stray much too far into the other side of it.

But it is vanity, nonetheless.

I think the perfect balance is found in this quote:

"When people come up and give me a compliment, 

I take each remark as if it were a flower. 

 At the end of each day I lift up the bouquet of flowers 

I have gathered throughout the day and say, 

'Here You are, Lord, it is all Yours.'"

(Corrie Ten Boom)

Over and out,

~Emily

P.S. I've been fighting colds on and off since Thanksgiving... and I'm pretty tired of being sick.  Prayer would be lovely! 

Struggles and the Knowledge of Glory

Okay, I'm going to be honest here.  I have been struggling quite a bit lately with insecurity and comparing myself with others.  I feel weak, purposeless, frivolous, depressed.

And then I feel so happy and encouraged and joyful.

And then I feel weak...

I've never had mood swings like this before.  Yes, I'm female, I do get emotional from time to time, but never like this.  Never do I cry multiple times a day for some reason I can't figure out.  Never have I had such a hard time taking a compliment. Never have I been unable to organize my thoughts like this.  Never have I beat myself up over each individual, tiny, minute failing.

I have had this tight, suffocating feeling before, though.  I have felt a panic rise in my chest and cling to every inch of my body before.  Distrust.  Doubt.  Insecurity.  Anxiety.

This is not from the Lord.

Why is it all hitting me again now?  And why so often?  I used to feel this way once or twice a month, sometimes even less.  Now it's a fight not to feel this way on and off every day.

I am fighting, though, and many people around me are fighting as well, in prayer.

I've discovered that right now, thinking of myself just isn't the best idea.  There are times in my life when I really have needed to just sit down and look at all of the things that I'm needing to improve in myself.  Right now really isn't one of those times.  I'm working on things, but I can't sit and ponder where I am right now too much.  It only invites those discouraging thoughts.

So I think on the Lord, instead.

A few nights ago I read from 2 Corinthians 4, and verse six really struck me.

"For God, Who said, 

"Let light shine out of darkness," 

has shone in our hearts to give the light of 
the knowledge of the glory of God 
in the face of Jesus Christ."

I don't know exactly how to connect this verse to how I've been struggling lately, but the Lord somehow used it to comfort me and bring such joy that night.

I guess if I had to boil down what God taught me through that verse I would bring up a few, "What ifs."

What if I really don't have any talents?  What if I am entirely un-gifted?  What if I am ugly?  What if I really don't have anything to contribute to anything?  What if all of my doubts, all of my insecure feelings, all of my self-worth worries... what if they are all true?

So what.

Even if they are all true, the God of the universe still shone the knowledge of His glory into my heart.

And that gives me worth.  That gives me purpose.  That gives me security.  That gives me beauty.  That gives me something to contribute.  That gives be something to trust in with no doubts.

When I sit and ponder all of my failings, I become useless to the Lord, because He uses followers who are focused on Him, not on themselves.

So I will think on Him instead, for He has blessed me with sweet, glorious knowledge.

Over and out,

~Emily

P.S.  Please spread the love!  Pin posts you enjoyed or were touched by.  The more you pin, the more people will read.  Blessings! ~Em

A Talent or Two

"For it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants 
and entrusted to them his property.  To one he gave five talents, 
to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability.  
Then he went away.  He who had received the five talents went at once and traded with them, 
and he made five talents more.  So also he who had the two talents made two talents more.  
But he who had received the one talent went and dug in the ground and hid his master's money.  
(Matthew 25:14-18) 

This past week I looked at the people I love and saw them singing, dancing, acting, sewing, painting, drawing, sculpting, playing instruments, cooking, baking, playing sports, being patient, loving, gentle, organized, motivated and moving forward in their callings.  I then looked at myself through insecurity's distorted glasses, and thought I saw nothing.

What gifts do I have?  

What could I possibly contribute to anything?  

Everyone else is going places, 

and then there's me...

Oh, what a very human view of things!

I spent one morning this week praying and studying the parable of the talents, and something that struck me was that the talents did not belong to the servants.  The master divided His money among His servants as He saw fit, and expected them to multiply it.  And yes, the parable is speaking about talents meaning money, but I believe its lessons apply to gifts and skills as well.

What if we were to view our talents and gifts in the same way?  What if, rather than trying to improve my writing skills in order to be successful, gain approval or feel important in some way, I were to use the writing skills the Lord has blessed me with to further His kingdom, and give Him glory?  Or, what if, rather than wishing I'd been given five talents, rather than one, I acknowledged that, as James 1:17 says,

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, 

coming down from the Father of lights 

with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change."

What if I viewed my life as a time to serve the Lord, instead of working to bring praise to myself?  What if I stopped trying to compete with those who have been gifted in different ways than I have been?

"For by the grace given to me

 I say to everyone among you not to think of himself 

more highly than he ought to think, 

but to think with sober judgment, 

each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.  

For as in one body we have many members, 

and the members do not all have the same function,  

so we, though many, are one body in Christ, 

and individually members one of another.  

Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, 

let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith;  

if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching;  

the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; 

the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness."

(Romans 12:3-8 emphasis added)

Having differing gifts is not a negative thing here.  It doesn't matter in which ways we are gifted, "Let us use them," to the glory of God.

I may not be an artist.  I may not be a fantastic cook.  I may not be the most organized person.  I may not be able to sing particularly well. That's fine.  The Lord doesn't ask me to be or do any of those things.  He simply asks me to obey His word, look to Him, and use what gifts He has given me, no matter how few or small, to bring Him glory and honor.

So many lessons lately.  Thank you, Father.

Over and out,

~Emily

P.S. I pulled a muscle in my leg the other day while working out... Prayers would be lovely.  Blessings to you all!

It's Been Awhile...

I had no intention to leave this blog dormant for so long, but life took off and left me scrambling.  For not posting, I apologize.  For not posting while I wasn't thinking quite straight, you're welcome.

Wow.  Thinking through all the adventures I've had since I last posted takes me through so many memories.  So much has happened; where do I begin?

Shortly before Nationals in June a young man started to show interest in me.  I was entirely unprepared and unsure of what to do with the wide range of emotions I was feeling.  I was charting unknown territory.  It was good, but it was unknown nonetheless.

I met him about five years ago through speech club, but had never really formed a friendship, or spent much time with him.  Soon after Josh died in May my family started attending his church, and I grew closer to many people, including this young man and his family.

Through a comedy of errors, many tears, and much happiness, Aaron and I started our courtship on August fifth, his twenty-first birthday.

We have learned so much individually and together since then.  God is so gracious!  From a surprise Nerf attack and breakfast on my birthday, to roses and lots of coffee, poems and songs, dancing, reading the Bible, praying, singing, waiting out in the cold to see the Hobbit at midnight, snowshoeing, ice-skating, teasing on Christmas Eve and cooking... These have been the most beautiful five months of my life.

I was trying to think of how I could possibly boil it all down to one lesson, and I don't know if I'll be able to do that effectively, but I'll try.

Through being the recipient of a godly man's love for these months, and having him care for me in innumerable ways I have seen a shadow of what God's love for me looks like.  I have seen a man giving me his love and energy and gentleness and care.  I've seen him give and give and give and give, and while I try, there are times when I've been sick or feeling down and I cannot give back.  I've been served when I've been unable to serve him.

He doesn't do this out of duty or necessity.  He does it out of love that I could never deserve.

How very like our King!  And this love that I am so in awe of is only a shadow of the sort of love God has for His people!

"How precious is your steadfast love, O God!  

The children of mankind take refuge 

in the shadow of your wings."

(Psalm 36:7)

Photo Credit: Gabrielle Photography

It's good to be back.  I'm not sure how often I'll be able to post, or what I'll be writing about, but it is a joy to write again.  We'll see what the Lord does!

Blessings on you all!

Over and out,

~Emily

P.S. Isn't he SO handsome?!

Words

Words used to work.  I was able to write things out and understand them better than I had before.  I felt satisfied with what I wrote.  I felt that writing was one of the best ways to honestly express how you feel.  Maybe that's why journalism has appealed to me in such a huge way... I felt that writing is honesty on paper; a soul opened up for us to catch glimpses of.  Beauty.

I am becoming less and less satisfied with my writing.  I enjoy the process that is writing, probably more than I used to, in fact, but the end product almost disgusts me now.  There are so many things that words just cannot express.

Grief.  What an empty, pathetic excuse for a word.  The word itself doesn't understand the thing that it is meant to describe.

Joy.  How can true joy ever be contained in that tiny little word.  How can the indescribable peace in the midst of trial and storm ever be described adequately?  How can we even try to attempt it?

Confusion.  It sounds so simple, but it is anything but.  I can't describe it, can't use words, because I can't understand it.  Like waves are rushing around and there feels like there's no way out, but really there are multiple ways, and that's what's wrong.  No way to explain it with empty words.

Love.  Dare I even write about such a sacred thing?  How is it that we throw this glorious word around as though it's an empty water bottle?  People, this is the holy grail!

I've noticed that in conversations I have been using the word, "like," quite a lot.  I used to, and then I did speech and debate and got rid of filler words such as this one, but I've started using it again because there are no words that actually fit.  I'll say, "I feel like..." or, "It's like..." and I don't mean it as a filler word at all, I mean it as it is supposed to be used.  I mean to say, "I'm feeling similar to..." or, "It's quite similar to..."

No words actually work in and of themselves.

So why am I trying to use words to explain this thought?

Source

Over and out,

~Emily

P.S. Just to clarify, I do not think that love is just a feeling, as maybe it looks like the above graphic implies... my thoughts on that are written here.  These simple words from Pooh, though, seemed just right.  <3

...And rescue those in the valley...

Oh you bring hope to the hopeless
And light to those in the darkness
And death to life, now I'm alive

Oh you give peace to the restless
And joy to homes that are broken
I see you now, in you I'm found

And you open the door for me
And you lay down your life to set me free
All that I am will serve you Lord

Oh you fill those who are empty
And rescue those in the valley
And through it all you calm my soul

Oh now you find me in my weakness
And heal the wounds of my heartache
And I worship you in spirit and truth

And you open the door for me
And you lay down your life to set me free
All that I am will serve you Lord

And you open my eyes to see
All the wonder and awe of Christ in me
Jesus you're everything I need

All honor
All glory
All praise to you 

And you open the door for me
And you lay down your life to set me free
All that I am will serve you Lord

And you open my eyes to see
All the wonder and awe of Christ in me
Jesus you're everything I need 


(Hillsong United, Oh You Bring)

Source

Over and out,


~Emily

On To The Next Adventure

I am now an NCFCA Alum.

I'll never compete in speech or debate again.

I was totally depressed about this for a little while, but somehow God has given me such a peace about it.

I am so grateful for the past four years of my life, the wonderful friendships that I've formed, the crazy situations and the coffee runs.

I'm so grateful for all of the nail polish used to fix nylons, the absurd amount of makeup used, the hair emergencies and the nerves.

I'm so grateful for the tension before rounds and anticipation before breaks.

I'm so grateful for the lack of sleep and the dark circles under our glossy eyes.

I'm so grateful for the prayers, hugs, tears, encouragement and love.

But now I have to move on.

God is so good.  I was nearly panicking right after the awards ceremony at Nationals three days ago.  I felt this knot in my stomach; a sinking, sick feeling.  I couldn't stop thinking, "this will never happen again...this is it."  I walked around the after party, drinking every detail of it in; watching my friends read their ballots, play games, sign ballot envelopes and tee shirts.  Tears came to my eyes on and off, and I didn't have much control over my emotions.  All of a sudden I didn't feel ready.  I wanted to rip up my diploma and compete for another year.  I wanted Nationals never to end.

But it had to.

A friend invited me to play frisbee with a group of people, and I'm so glad that I did.

The sprinklers were on.

It. Was. Amazing.

It was only dimly lit, as it was about 11pm, and the sprinklers turned on and off multiple times.  There were only four people on each team, so we each got to be more involved than in larger games.  Everyone was pretty hyper, the guys were making animal calls and yelling hilarious things, and I loved every second of it.

We made our way to the lake afterward, and it was stunning.  I had seen it during the day, but it was so still and calm and quiet.  A few of us stuck our feet in, and the water was pleasantly warm, so a couple of the guys jumped in and swam around for a little while (pretending that sea monsters were attacking them, and other such manly things...).

One of the guys did his best to shame the others for not jumping in along with him, and then we tossed the frisbee back and forth on our way back to the dorms.  We raced part of the way and then were met by a girl from another Region who told us that there had been an accident at the after party, and a student had been knocked unconscious.

We all fell to our knees and started praying right there on the sidewalk.

The young man is fine now, and was released from the hospital later that night, but this is part of why I have loved competing so much: when something horrible happens, when it is suitable to panic, when joyful times slip away in an instant we fall to our knees and surround the throne of God.

I've never seen this kind of passion for and dependence on the Lord in any other place.  This is part of why I had been so sad about leaving.  How could I ever find that kind of thing somewhere else?

But then I realized something.  When we were playing frisbee the tournament was over.  We could have been playing just as easily anywhere else.  The guys could have jumped in any other lake.  We could have prayed together and stayed up until 3am any other time (well, that last one doesn't happen too often...but it is possible...theoretically).  These experiences and friendships are not limited to tournaments.  We could choose to seek God first in any tragedy or accident, just as we did that night.  God is just as powerful, just as present, just as involved in our lives outside of tournaments.

I'm going to miss competing, of course.  How could I not miss it?  But I'm seeing that God's timing is always best, and I'm stoked to see what He has in mind for this next chapter in my life.

"The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore."

(Psalm 121:8)

My amazing Region, praying together first thing in the morning.

Over and out,

~Emily

P.S.  If any of you were at Nationals and I don't have your email, please contact me so that we may keep in touch.  I love you all to death and am so grateful to have had the opportunity to get to know you.  Blessings!

Change, Worry and Knocking

I tend to think that I love change.  I love new adventures.  I love going to new places.  I love meeting new people.  I love re-arranging furniture and trying new recipes.

But when I come to big changes in life; when I come to fearfully new things, things I've always dreamed of, things that are not new ideas, but rather new experiences, when I come to these things, I can feel my mind's heels dragging in the dirt, trying to stop them from happening.  I try to get used to these things, try to feel fine about them, but the whole, "mind over matter," idea has never worked too well for me.

It's so easy to forget that God has this all in His hand.  It's easy to think, "Uh-oh, unknown territory!  Reverse!  Get me out of here!"

But then we get sick of our lives.  I get so sick and tired of always doing the same things, never moving forward, never turning the page to the next chapter.  So, why not allow Him to turn the pages?  Why am I holding onto the page I'm on, as though my life depends on it?

Looking back on my life, the past year has been filled with change.  Little changes that I barely even noticed at the time have now become monumental in my walk with the Lord.  God uses change for good.  God uses everything for good.

Why is this so hard to remember?  It's so easy to worry about every little detail of everything, but I usually get in the way when I do that.  

I'm not advocating "Let go and let God."  I think that's silly.  God never had anyone sit there and have Him wait on them hand and foot.  God never had anyone do nothing.  However, we over-think things, in regards to worry.  I firmly believe that we should not jump into things without praying about it.  But, praying about it shouldn't take two years.  And if it does, get off the couch and do something while you're praying!  

Oh, I find myself using excuse after excuse for not knocking on doors.  "The time isn't right."  "I haven't heard God tell me yet." ect.  Now, if God is telling you the time isn't right, then so be it.  But if you are waiting for fireworks in the sky, you will almost definitely be out of luck.

I've been realizing more and more lately, that following God is like it was with Abraham.  God didn't give him a map, He didn't point out every trial along the way, every landmark, every river.  God tells us to take a step, and then another and then another.  As with the Israelites, God is a pillar of fire by night.  We can't see anything else; we can't see where we're going.  We just follow.

Or we should anyway.

Why do I feel like I need to know everything?  Why do I dip one toe into the water and hold it there for five hours before stepping in?  It sounds absurd when I put it that way, doesn't it?  Five hours?  But when I think about that, I do that all the time.

It ought to be simple.

Follow the pillar.  you may not see anything else, but follow Him, and all will be well.  

For some reason this is hard to execute, though.  I think that the pillar is usually two inches outside of our comfort zones, and that two inches can seem terrifying.

Source

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Over and out,

~Emily

P.S.  Wow, it took me forever to type this.  I'm pretty sure I broke my pinkie yesterday, so it's taped to my ring finger and I lost the use of both fingers... I've never made so many typos in my life!

Lavender photo from here.  Verse added by myself.

An Incredible Song

Hey folks, I just thought you might be interested in this.  Most of you have read my posts about Josh (if not, read them here and here), and have at least a slight understanding of how fantastic he was, how passionate he is about the Lord, and what a wonderful example he has been for everyone who knew him, and many who didn't.

Well, his younger sister wrote the lyrics to a song, and a very close friend wrote music, sang and recorded it.  It was played at Josh's memorial service and there were more than a few wet eyes.

Anyway, they decided to sell digital downloads of the song, with all of the proceeds going to the scholarship fund for ALERT Academy that has been set up in Josh's name.

Please check the song out here, and please pray about purchasing it.  This is truly a wonderful cause and I know that you'll love the song.

Over and out,

~Emily

Life Lately...

Hearing:  Happy Songs,  Calming Songs,   Worshipful Songs.

Safetysuit.  It was Josh's favorite band, and they are absolutely incredible.

Reading:  Galatians and Psalms.  Every verse in the Bible means so much right now.  I find myself grasping each word and clinging to it to survive.  

The Holiness of God, by R.C. Sproul.  I've never had any book (other than the Bible) put me in such overwhelming awe of Who God is.  Really, truly, you ought to read it.

Watching:  Julian Smith Spoofs.  This is a friend's YouTube channel, and I must say, I prefer these to Julian Smith's videos (although "Buffering" and "Bless You" are pretty hilarious).  Josh is in a few of the videos, and they are amazing. 

Dreaming of:  Someday seeing Josh and Caroline again.  Right after Josh died I felt like I had a glimpse of heaven.  It's like I tasted a sip of perfect wine, and now I'm back to cheap grape juice.  I've never longed for my true home this badly.  I can hardly wait to party with you two someday.  

Loving:  Chocolate covered espresso beans.  Days out with close friends.  Frozen cookie dough.  Loud music.  Google+ Hangouts.  Cooking dinner.  Eating dinner...

Writing:  Jumbled, nonsensical, rambling, venting journal entries and blog posts... Arg.

Circular journal entries.  This is a really fun way to write verses, quotes, song lyrics etc.  For some reason I love this right now.  

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Feeling:  I have determined that I can rarely decipher my feelings.  I honestly wish I could.  It's rather annoying.  Arg.  

Disliking:  The crazy mood swings I've been having lately... I'm quite befuddled.  

That I can't have rice crispies any more...ever.

Anticipating:  Nationals.  I'm unnaturally calm about the idea of competing, and unnaturally nervous about preparing for the trip and fundraising.  It's going to be incredible, though.  

A grand get together tomorrow night.  I'm very excited and hope to post about it in a few days.

Feeling Thankful For:  The beautiful sun.  Birds singing like there's no tomorrow.  A lovely breeze blowing through the trees.  A tree shedding its petals; it looks like it's snowing.  Peonies blooming.  Planting my herb garden.  Getting dirt under my fingernails.  Grace.  Hope.  Love.  Forgiveness.  Joy.  Jesus.

Over and out,

~Emily

Pleasing Who?

I have a tendency to worry about what people think of me.  Now, I think it's good to think twice before we say anything, and that goes for messages and emails, too ("Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger." ~James 1:19), but as with most things in life, we can go way overboard in this.

But then I've been thinking about Josh (go figure), and why he was so special to each of us who knew him.  Why is it that his life is so inspiring to us?  Why do each of us want to be just like him?  Why are we comparing everything we do with how Josh would have done it, or would have wanted us to do it?  No, we shouldn't be worshiping Josh or placing him on a pedestal.  He certainly wasn't perfect; he had plenty of flaws, but we can definitely be learning from his example.

Josh was so transparent.  This is only one of the reasons we all want to be more like him, but it's huge.  He was one of the most honest people I've ever met, but somehow he knew how to say things, honest things that might be hard to hear, in a way that people would receive them.  He spoke the truth in love.  He shared his feelings freely.  He didn't hide things from people just because they may have thought he was being too outgoing.

I was praying about this a few nights ago, and then I opened my Bible up.  I realized I had just finished the book I had been reading previously, and hadn't decided on the next one to read, but I felt the urge to turn a couple of pages to the right, which turned out to be Galatians.

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Wow.  I love that God directed me to read this very passage.

I am concerned about what others think of me.  I don't want people thinking I'm not acting properly, or that I'm not doing what I ought to do.  I never used to talk to guys very much, because I was concerned that people might think I was being overly...outgoing?  (I'm trying to be as tactful as I can here...)

But I've noticed, since Josh passed away,

since I've been paying attention to the still, small voice of God more closely,

since I've stopped caring so much about what others think,

that God has actually been telling me to go out of my way and talk to people, including guys.

Josh didn't not talk to girls, he talked to them all he time.  He went out of his way to make sure nobody was left out; nobody was in the corner.  How many times have I left someone sitting alone, just because he was a guy and I didn't want people to think things?

WHO CARES?!

Life is so short; so precious, and you never know who may treasure memories of conversations with you when you're no longer here.

If I was never supposed to talk to guys, then why has God been telling me to so frequently?  I never used to listen to that voice, particularly when it was telling me to go talk with a young gentleman, but now that I am, I've been having such great, encouraging conversations with girls and guys alike.

How hard is it to just ask someone how they're doing, and listen to their answer?

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I guess I'm just seeing how many times I've not gone and talked to people I ought to have, because I was worried about what other people would think.  I was, "trying to please man."  

The thing is, I've been the person left in the corner before; the person nobody would talk to, and I know how badly that hurts.  So, why would I inflict that on others?

I'm not saying we should say or do whatever pops into our minds.  Please don't misunderstand me.  We do definitely need to be careful about the words we use.

"A Gentle tongue is a tree of life, 

but perverseness in it breaks the spirit."

(Psalm 15:4)

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, 

and those who love it will eat its fruits."

(Psalm 18:21)

My point is we use these verses to advocate not talking when we ought to.  

I'm just starting not to care what others think of me, and I pray that I never will again.

I don't care if people think I'm too forward because I have one on one conversations with guys.  As a friend of mine once said, "Guys are people, too!"

I don't care if I miss visiting with my friends because someone new needs to be talked to.

I don't think Josh cared, and I don't either.  One step in the right direction.

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Over and out,

~Emily

P.S. I graduated high school on the 22nd!  Post coming soon... 

In Memoriam

Almost two weeks ago now Josh left this broken world to be with his Creator and Savior.

The Memorial celebration of his life is to be held this Saturday.  For those of you unable to attend, I hope you'll take the time to watch the live streaming of this joyous event at: joshuaeddymemorial.com 11:00 Pacific Time, Saturday, May 19.

Please continue to keep Josh's family and friends in your prayers.

Over and out,

~Emily

I Want it NOW

I am ever waging a war against discontentment.  Right now, I'm content with what I have, where I live, my family and my friends, but myself...that's a different story.

I have been wanting fruit so badly.  I want to see that God is using me to further His Kingdom!  I want to know for sure, but focusing on fruit is just as bad as pouring too much energy into anything else, other than glorifying God.  

"He [the blessed man] is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, 

and its leaf does not wither.  In all that he does, he prospers."

(Psalm 1:3)

Okay, so am I not one of the blessed?  I'm not seeing too much fruit, so... Wait a minute.  "yields its fruit in its season."

It's season.  Not harvest time, when I see fruit in everyone else's lives, but rather, the time that God knows is my season.  I've been seeing so much fruit coming from Josh's death, and in other friends' lives and it's hard not to become discouraged.  The thing that's difficult to remember is that God's timing is best.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time."

(Ecclesiastes 3:11)

I don't know that Josh saw much fruit in his life before he died.  Maybe he did, I certainly can't say for sure, but this does make me wonder.  He definitely didn't see the kind of fruit that is being harvested now.  I wonder if he was getting discouraged over not seeing much fruit.  God, the great gardener, knows when the fruit is ready to be harvested, and it's rarely the same time for each of us.

Sometimes I can get so obsessed with producing fruit that I forget to prune the tree.  I'm too caught up in looking up into the dying branches to remember that the tree needs watering.  I see the tree next to me, which is beautiful and simply stuffed with its juicy crop, and I become disgusted in my own poor, sad, naked little branches.  Somehow I don't stop to consider why the other tree is doing so well.

Josh didn't do anything extraordinary, but he did all the ordinary things in an extraordinary way: he did them for God.  I'm not saying Josh was perfect, but he got it.  Why would God trust me with precious fruit when I have neglected to deal with the bugs eating away at my roots?  

"Well done, good and faithful servant.  

You have been faithful over a little; 

I will set you over much."  

(Matthew 25:21)

I've been wanting fruit pretty badly.  And I think that's a good desire; it will hopefully push me to work hard at doing fruitful things for the Kingdom.  But, as with anything else, when it is taking too much of our time away from worshiping and glorifying God, it's not healthy.  And when I'm wanting the product, but not to produce it, then that's only going to be counterproductive.

You know what just hit me?  Wanting fruit too badly was what got us into this whole mess in the first place...

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This post was kind of all over the place; I hope some of it made sense!  Love you all. <3

Over and out,

~Emily

Grains of Sand

I was working on this post before we heard the news about Josh.  I think it's more relevant than ever, 

and I want to share it with you.  This was written on day three of this last speech tournament.

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Sometimes God moves a mountain all at once, and other times he subtly moves one small grain of sand at a time.  I have had speech rounds before where God has literally fed me each individual line of my speech, one at a time.  I've had rounds where I've gotten so into my topic or character that I finish so emotionally and physically drained that I've almost passed out.  I've Had rounds where God chose to humble me, and somehow He helped me to understand the message that He was teaching me, rather than being upset.

I could go on and on about the amazing experiences I've had in my four years of competing, but today was a grain of sand type of day.  God blessed me in so many ways today; so many little, tiny ways.  You know, each of my days are probably just as stuffed full of little miracles as today was, but I don't generally notice them...Oh, how I'm missing out!  Hearing people tell me that my eight year old sister prayed with them before their semis round brought me near tears.  Having one of my timers tell me that my Persuasive was exactly what she needed to hear made my day.  Praying with people before rounds put everything in perspective.  Seeing young men open doors for women, allowing them to walk somewhere first, and just being gentlemen was encouraging.  Hugging my mom, just filled me with joy.

My speech, "career," is almost done, and I've found myself fearing that I won't have the same faith awakening, stretching experiences once I'm done.  But really, God is just as involved in our lives everyday at home as He is during these times.  My little sister is just as much a blessing every day as she was today.  God can, and does, speak through each of us every day, just as He does when we give prepared speeches.  Praying for people doesn't work better at tournaments, He is just as much involved in our lives and answers our prayers in the same way when we pray on ordinary days.  Young men, believe it or not, do open doors and allow us to walk first and they are gentlemen (at least a good amount of them are...) in the, "real world," not just at tournaments. And I can most certainly hug my mom just as many times every day as I did today, and she's just as awesome on, "normal," days as when she's wearing a super-spy earpiece at tournaments (oh yeah, my mom is the bomb).

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Since writing the above, God has been working in the most mysterious ways.  Josh is no longer on earth, and is rather praising God in his new home.  I qualified to Nationals in three events, two of which Josh helped me with, but qualifying has lost its wonder.  I'm now just wanting to present these speeches for God's glory, to make Josh proud.  People are hurting, feeling confused, possibly even angry.  But still, God works through the mountains and the grains of sand, and He is always right here with us, every step of the way.  

1. All the way my Savior leads me,
   What have I to ask beside?
   Can I doubt His tender mercy,
   Who through life has been my Guide?
   Heav’nly peace, divinest comfort,
   Here by faith in Him to dwell!
   For I know, whate’er befall me,
   Jesus doeth all things well;
   For I know, whate’er befall me,
   Jesus doeth all things well.
2. All the way my Savior leads me,
   Cheers each winding path I tread,
   Gives me grace for every trial,
   Feeds me with the living Bread.
   Though my weary steps may falter
   And my soul athirst may be,
   Gushing from the Rock before me,
   Lo! A spring of joy I see;
   Gushing from the Rock before me,
   Lo! A spring of joy I see.
3. All the way my Savior leads me,
   Oh, the fullness of His love!
   Perfect rest to me is promised
   In my Father’s house above.
   When my spirit, clothed immortal,
   Wings its flight to realms of day
   This my song through endless ages:
   Jesus led me all the way;
   This my song through endless ages:
   Jesus led me all the way.
   (Fanny Crosby)
   
   
   
   
   Please continue to keep Josh's family and friends in your prayers.  Also, his parents just found the blog post that he was working on, but was unable to finish, on his computer.  Please read that here.
   
   
   Over and out,
   
   
   ~Emily